The start of my summer
Why am I here?
“Everywhere’s a here, isn’t it?”
― Ali Smith, Winter
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/here
Look, I don’t journal and I don’t talk to people about what I’m thinking enough to get the thoughts out of my head, causing internal and mental damage. I spend so much time in my head that when I tell other people about my thoughts, I think I sound crazy, even if they’re totally valid or sane thoughts. So here I am, giving you a taste of what’s inside my head, and relieving some of the pressure in my brain, whether it be life experiences, thoughts, dreams, or how I handle situations, and making sure that if I am crazy, someone can understand where I started. Let the assuage begin.
This summer has been a doozy. I have had absolutely no luck in finding a job, my car is breaking down, my ex has been a real treat, my mom is, well, my mom, and school is right around the corner. Currently, I fight PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, and an eating disorder. So, it’s safe to say I’m losing the fight of life. I’m not dead yet though, so that’s something. Here’s how my summer had started.
On June 13th, I made it back home to Minnesota after my school year ended at the University of Oregon. Due to many reasons, I am not returning to Oregon for school, so I drove with all of my stuff, back home, in two days. This includes my cat, who hates the car. Echo is the best cat I could’ve asked for. She’s insanely sweet and playful, and doesn’t have many issues. She gets along just fine with other cats and people and doesn’t show much anxiety for anything, except the car. She cry-meowed for over 24 hours straight. That’s how much she hates the car. She freaks out and has panic attacks and tries to break free from the giant (meaning it took over 2/3’s of my back seat and included a litter box) cat carrier multiple times. It breaks my heart to see her like that, but I had to do what I had to do to get her home. She meowed from Eugene, Oregon to Billings, Montana, the six hours we spent at the Motel 6, and from that motel to Fargo, North Dakota. But in two days, we made it home to the Twin Cities, officially starting summer.
Because I knew that I wasn’t going to be returning to Oregon, during my last few weeks in Oregon, I was job hunting. I applied to so many jobs, and applied at so many different places, so I thought I was bound to land something. About two weeks before I moved back home, I thought I had a really good thing going with potential employer. I had had two phone interviews, and the potential employer told me she would email me about going further in the employment process. I was excited. I love having a job. It sounds stupid, but I feel more secure and overall happier with my life when I have a place I can go to everyday and receive money. Who doesn’t like money? Anyways, I get home and I still haven’t heard anything from this potential employer. So I send her an email the Monday following my return home. No response. I call and leave her a voicemail the next Monday. No response. I email again that following Monday, and almost immediately I’m hit with the rejection email. An email that I’m all too familiar with by this point. I’ve applied to over 100 jobs this summer, and still one hasn’t landed.
On top of that, there has been resounding pressure from my mother to leave her house. I’ve only been here 6 weeks, and we’ve already had some major fights, mainly about money. She is in the right as far as it’s time for me to get out, but at the same time, I’m doing my best and all her complaints make it seem like I’m not doing enough. Immediately when I got home, before I even unloaded my car, she said that she should find my car title, so I can get off her insurance. When I was working, I was just paying her the difference for my car. Why it can’t be that way when I do get employed? You tell me..
Story of My Thoughts Blog 